Lost and Found

A Short Story with Pictures by Christina Gammell

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I began my journey to Vietnam perhaps even before I had left there more than 20 years ago. I was born there and had left before I had any real memories of the place that I could call my own. I do remember leaving. Or I should say I remember my mother's silent determined face as we boarded the plane. I remember the initial pain of losing my grandmother. Of course she stayed behind. I remember the strangeness of our new home, New York and later Los Angeles. It's funny how those memories have faded, perhaps even more now that I have been back again in my birth country and my childhood memories are confused by my adult memories of Vietnam. In fact, I remember very little about Vietnam from when I was young. And of course I don't remember my father at all. I used to pretend that I didn't even have one. Sometimes I used to tell friends who didn't know any better that my father was Bruce Lee... of course that only worked when we were very young. But my father always figured largely in my mind and he was the reason why I returned to Vietnam. I came back to find him and the rest of the family that my mother so resolutely left behind. Whenever I asked about my father or Vietnam, my mother always knew how to change the subject, sometimes subtly, sometimes insistently. So I never knew who my family was except for mom. And I picked up on the idea that there was some dark secret about my father that I was not meant to find out. Perhaps no one was meant to find out. Not even those who were there when I was born.

Here I am in Vietnam. Not the girl in the front - I'm the one in the middle of the picture. I remember wishing that silly cow would move so I could get a better view. I was sure that she wasn't here for anything as important as finding her father. See how happy I look? I'm on a mission...

I began my search in Hanoi. This was my first view of Vietnam since I was three. I couldn't believe the overwhelming emotions I had. I began the trip with so much optimism. I was going to find out who my family was. I thought I was coming home.

Minutes later, my heart gave a frightened lurch as I looked again at the country I had just thought of as home. Looking back, it seemed a premonition of things to come. This country that I saw now looked very foreign, even from the plane. I shrugged off my misgivings though. I had waited a long time to come here and I knew that I was going to find out the truth.

I began by following one of my two clues: an ancient postcard that I had found many years ago while rummaging unknown through my mother's underwear drawer. She didn't know I had the card, and I imagined that she would have been furious. I've kept the card for years. It was from my mother's brother and is addressed to us in New York. It must have been when we first arrived in the United States. I assume that it is his last attempt to contact my mom. I know that I never knew him. After we left Vietnam, my mother severed ties with her whole family. I thought that it was related to the mysterious circumstances regarding my birth. The back of the card identified the scene as Hanoi and this is where I began my search for my family.

The trip from the plane to my hotel brought back some of the misgivings that I'd had on the plane.

So crowded! So many bicycles! So strange! I wasn't used to this. Maybe I was just tired from the flight. I just wanted to get to my hotel and rest. I was sure I'd feel better after some sleep.

That was when we past this monument. It reminded me of the other "clue" that I had of my origins...

...this toy tank made of shell casings. I had no idea who it had originally belonged to. At various times I came up with different theories. Perhaps it was a toy for an unborn brother who didn't survive. Perhaps it was a gift from my father to my mother to remind her of him. I speculated that my father was an American soldier who had been in Vietnam. This would explain the secrecy surrounding my birth and my mother's need to flee her memories of him. But the truth is, I knew nothing about him or the circumstances surrounding our departure.

My musings were interrupted by the sight of this pretty plaza. It helped to restore some of my spirit. The taxi driver told me we were close to my hotel.

Here it is. I was relieved. It didn't look too awful. Besides, I was tired and ready for sleep.

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