The Experience of the HB-208S.01

Excerpts and Recommendation From Probe HB-208S.01, of the Planet Besser

Submitted by Alain Dussert for LIS 208, 4/3/01

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Recently, I was ordered to explore the Earth (dammit, I hate that planet!) and specifically, the small island of Cuba. Here is my report, complete with photographs, to you, O Royal Highness, King Besser, who coincidentally rule Planet Besser. To view pictures fully, click on the thumbnails. To look at a previous page, O Monarch of Monarchs, please use the "back button."

Day 1

Upon landing in Cuba, I hid my spacecraft in a field and walked into the largest urban development my sensors found. After striding into it, I came across my first humans. I jumped out at them, again following standard procedure, and addressed them with our standard HB-LIS friendly greeting, "People of Earth, I am here to conquer you in the name of our King, Besser. If you allow me to do so without resistance, you will not be harmed. If you do resist, I will have to scan you into our dreaded T-shirt Database where you will remain for centuries until you are cataloged. By the way, I come in peace." Yet the people of Earth did not appear fazed. Here was their initial response to me: Needless to say, I deduced that perhaps these simian-looking anthropoids were stupid, apathetic, or tougher than I thought. So I found another gaggle of the unsuspecting creatures by a fence. I again leaped out at them and verbalized our standard greeting. Yet again, I received no response. In fact, they didn't even seem annoyed at me. Instead they kept concentrating on scrutinizing each other, as you can see here: .At this point, I deduced that these aliens must have some reason for their apparent apathy towards me. Upon inspecting their primitive urban dwellings a little more, I found the reason. These creatures had developed these weapons: . Although these weapons did not look like they had been used in some time, I did not feel that it was wise to give our standard friendly greeting anymore, or at least until I had figured out how to deal with their resistance. So, I went back towards my spacecraft and decided to take a nap. But not before seeing this primitive information center along the way: . But upon not seeing The Quomoladiadian-24 Daily News, I decided that going through the rest of the information center was ludicrous. Thus ended day 1.

Day 2

Not a very good day. I began it by surveying the same urban development. After encountering no creatures at first, I was subjected to the first hideous line of defense the Earthlings use. It was done to me via sound waves by four resistant soldiers in the following battle array: . I tried to silence them with my HP PrecisionScan Pro1.0 but the scanning rays simply bounced off. Instead of risking further damage I stumbled around the city some more, hoping to come across some weaker resistance, or at least a good hot-dog stand. I actually was able to rest scan these peaceful images of the surroundings without being detected. First, some type of landing field, . Second, a type of brick castle. But finally, I found their headquarters, . At this point, I felt necessary to bomb their headquarters, scan it into the T-shirt database, or introduce myself to their leader. So without further self-debate, I opted for choice #3. I immediately sought two individuals who looked important and knowledgeable, . After analyzing their situation, I leaped out at them and said, "Infidels! I am from the Planet Besser. Take me to your leader or you will be scanned!" Appearing shocked, yet amused, they pointed to their leader and then went back to what they were doing. Feeling confident, I approached their leader and demanded an explanation from him. Since this was their apparent leader, I felt kind of suspicious. Especially when I noticed that it did not look at all like its subjects. Enraged, I decided to shy away from the creature and found four other humans who looked more knowledgeable and authoritative, . I commanded to them, "In the name of the Planet Besser, and at risk of pissing me off, I demand you take me to your leader!" I was shocked at their response. It was one of cold, utter callousness and defiance. . The creature on the left uttered something that translated as "Dude, wait for your turn." And, the rest of the creatures appeared to not take notice of the events. I felt humiliated. So I decided to return to my spaceship for a nap. Again, I passed the information booth, . Again, I could not find anything even remotely interesting so I went into my spaceship and took a nap instead. Thus ended Day 2.

Day 3 (Phase 1)

Feeling depressed after two days of utter failure, this is when I contacted you, O Great One, for assistance. I recorded our following discussion via the Multimedia 3100 Image Monitor:

Me: Greetings, O Great King Besser.

Besser: What the hell do you want now, HB-208S.01?

Me: I need assistance in developing a plan to conquer this planet.

Besser: First of all, I'm on vacation. . Second, I'm on vacation. And third, I'm on vacation. Talk to my secretary of planning. Out.

After I prayed to you, O Great Kingly One, to forgive me, I tried to contact your secretary. But just then my battery pack on the ship died and I realized it would take 24.3 metrons to re-energize it. So I decided to look for an interstellar 108.7 zhz communicator device. Instead, all I could find was this pay phone, . I uttered an inexplicable, "f*&#%&^*k!" because I realized I did not have enough change to complete my communication. So I went back into the town, to try and conquer it. And I wanted to find an ice cream stand.

Day 3 (Phase 2)

Here is where I came across the toughest resistance yet. My first skirmish came with this creature, . (She?) sounded very threatening when she uttered, amongst a group of fellow soldiers, "hello, come here often?" Terrified, I ran away. But not before long, another threatening creature approached me, followed by scores of humans. In a panic, I ran away but was attacked and almost run over by other creatures who moved slow, dangerously, threateningly, slow, as shown here, . But my training soon took over. That's when I remembered your motto, O Royal High-Heartedness , "to always fight and rock on!" I then stood my ground and resolved to conquer, despite seeing such hostile and intimidating messages such as this one, . The first thing I would conquer, I determined, would be an ice cream stand. It was hot and ice cream sounded awfully good. Especially after some small earthlings ran by me saying, "Want some? Psych!" This location, looked promising but the gate was locked. So I could not get in. So I decided to try another location. But before I did so, I looked around and realized just how ugly, foreboding, and inhospitable this place was, as exemplified here, . At this point, I became utterly discouraged and decided to go back to my spaceship to take a nap. But the gravity was so heavy for me that I didn't want to walk. So I flagged a cab (after I translated the primitive language and figured out it WAS indeed a vehicle) that looked like this one, . As I got into the cab, the earth creature inside asked "where you going, sir?" After translating this, I responded, by mistake, "take me to your leader's unlocked bathroom." The creature then looked more perplexed than hostile, in a fashion similar to this earth creature's expression, . He then asked, "No really, where do you want to go?" Here, I said, "to my spaceship, so I can pick up my scanning device and conquer the Earth much easier."

He responded: Why do you want to conquer the Earth? Did you lose your girlfriend? Have you ever HAD a girlfriend?

Me: No, and (ahem!) no to your questions. But it doesn't matter; I need to conquer this planet in the name of King Besser!

He: Well, maybe you should try smiling more. See her (and he pointed to ) ? People like being conquered by friendly people. See, those cats over there are in agreement (and he pointed to ). And she over there is too (and he pointed to ). See, she's smiling too. So you gotta learn to smile if you wanna conquer. Now you don't want to look like this guy, now do ya? (And here he pointed to this earthling, ).

At this point, I puzzled over his advice. The rest of the cab ride was quiet. When we approached my spaceship, he commented, "Now that's a lovely little ship there." And I had to tell him, "Darn. Now that you've seen it I'll have to get rid of you." So before he could plead with me or give me any more cryptic advice, I scanned him into the T-shirt database and then took a nap. But not before realizing that again, I had no ice cream. Dammit. Thus ended Day 3.

Day 4

As the day began, I played some music in my ship. Then I had some Volgometrical tea. Then, at this point, I decided to just start vaporizing and scanning people into the T-shirt database. "What the hell," I reckoned, "you only live 23.2 times." So I wandered into town. I saw these humans, and I scanned them all into the database. It actually made a lovely T-shirt Then these came into view, . I even thought, "how lovely they look scanned onto a pastel colored T-shirt" And, a few minutes later, came my favorite scan, . I thought that this particular T-shirt would sell well in all parts of our solar system because it detailed human expression at the moment of being scanned, so well. But I also liked this one because it has humans and their screwy architecture and plant life all in one, . I even tried out my earthling humor. I approached two people and asked, "Can I take your picture?" And of course, they stupidly said, "yes, of course!" And then, zam! These two, were scanned into the T-shirt database. Before long, however, I realized that the humans might become wise to my actions. So I decided to retreat for a while and contemplate a plan to use a panoramic scanner to scan the ENTIRE island into the T-shirt database at once. As I retreated back to the spaceship, I noted three cute little transportation machines, . I really liked them. They reminded me of some childhood toys I used to have. So in order to capture their memory forever, I scanned them into a nice off-white T-shirt Before the angry mob, which had begun to mass by now, could get me, I scooted myself back to my spaceship and turned on the shield of invisibility so the humans could not see me or the ship. "This is getting ridiculous, " I thought. "I should just scan in the whole planet, not just the island." But I hesitated at this point because scanning in the planet meant I needed supreme permission from, yes, you guessed it, you, O Wonderful King Besser. So, once again, I contacted you in all your stately elegance.

Me: O Highest King of Monarchs, I need to talk to you!

Besser: HB-208S.01? Is that you AGAIN!!?? Can't you see I'm busy here! (this image came on my communication viewfinder: )

Me: I need permission to scan in all of Earth into the T-shirt database. Do I have your permission?

Besser: I told you once, I'll tell you again. A), I'm on vacation, B) I'm on vacation, and C) I'M ON VACATION. Talk to my secretary of permission. I think her name is 'something' Becker. OUT.

Since this was the second time that you, the mighty King of All Kings had been cross with me, I got very depressed. Of course, after I prayed to you, the Great King Besser to forgive my insolence. But after my prayer, I decided to let fate govern my course. I flipped a quarter I got from the cab driver. Heads to scan in the planet, tails to let them go. And, of course, it came up tails. So with disappointment, I turned off the Universal Planet Scanner-TY66 and powered up my ship for flight. Then, I got a brilliant idea. I would glorify you, O Wonderful King, and I would let the people know that Planet Besser should not be underestimated or laughed at. So with panache, I recruited this creature, to help deliver my message to the primitive humans. It did not seem to work so well. Next, I pasted printed messages similar to this one, to disseminate information about my plan to glorify you, O Most Debonair King. Finally, I simply decided to hold a press conference to accomplish my goal. Although the details of the press conference are much to long for this report, and in fact are given at length in report 678-056.2, I thought that you, if you so desire, O Most Educated of Educators, might enjoy a picture of the successful press conference I conducted. I am speaking here with my secretary on the left and my spaceship maid on the right:

End of Transmission. . . . . .

THE END